HYPOTHESIS
if
Design gives form to content through process.
and
Content = Life.
Design Process = Our daily choices.
Form = Quality of Life.
then
Packet #1
7.30.23
I’m exhausted from travel. After waking up, I braid my hair back, wash my face, brush my teeth, and give myself a face massage. Though I hate taking photos of myself, I document this moment because I was nice to myself, and I need to remember to be nice to myself.
8.2.23
Setting boundaries with a client. I document this moment to celebrate my ability to set boundaries in a way I previously would not have. To recognize that my ability to set these boundaries is also rooted in privilege—parenthood, financial stability, and access to therapy helped me learn to say NO.
8.7.23
She wants snuggles. Needs them. And so do I. I don’t have to force them from her or beg her to snuggle me. She just climbs into my bed and scoots up, and snuggles. There is nothing more delicious, and heartbreaking than loving her.
I remember sitting, crying, with a heavily pregnant belly, days away from giving birth, and knowing that this amazing experience we were having, of me physically carrying her inside of me was about to end. I would have to share her with the outside world. I knew that watching her grow would be a simultaneous revelation of watching my own mortality become more apparent with every milestone, growth spurt, birthday, heartbreak, hard day, and victory. Motherhood is so intense.
“Sofia, do you promise to crawl into my bed in the morning even when you are 16?” she says “Yes, of course, mom!” “How about when you are 30?” “OF COURSE!” I will hold her to that.
YOU ARE A GENIUS
OF HEART.
8.16.23
Doing hard things. This is Max, all dressed for tonsil surgery, a little nervous but completely trusting that I am guiding him toward what is best for him. This level of trust is precious and terrifying. Tonsillectomy/ Adenoidectomy is a relatively safe and easy procedure, but surgery nonetheless. At this point, I know many things that he doesn’t. The nurse will put an IV in his arm, he will wake up disoriented and in pain, and the recovery process will be painful and take many days. I also know that once he is healed he will finally sleep/ breathe better and suffer fewer throat infections. I know this, but I don’t tell him all of it it, because he will worry, and suffer all the time leading up to surgery.
It’s an illustration of trust, so much trust. To trust that your caretaker knows all the good and bad, but understands how it all works in your favor in the end.To trust that you will know what you need to know when you need to know it.
In this instance, I am part of the caretaker and knower role. In the bigger picture of my life - I wrestle with the anxiety of knowing and not knowing and trusting those who are supposed to take care of me - not excluding God themself.
8.28.23
I’m helping Sofia with her Math homework, my least favorite subject and it’s the thing I have the least amount of patience with. My number dyslexia is super real— and right now—I am trying my best to be genuinely excited about her learning math. This performance of mine is driven by the hope that she gets excited about learning math and that it is easy for her. I do this because I don’t want to pass down the same struggle I had as a student. I do all of this knowing that my personal struggle is part of my undiagnosed learning disorder—which she may have been born with. Alongside all of this, is the fact that neither of my parents ever sat with me and helped me do my homework. Parenting is doing things that nobody ever did for you, which means hella blind spots.
I document this to give myself grace. We are totally unprepared for this, nobody warns you about these parts. It’s not in the “What to Expect” book and never gets said by the too many folks who stop you in Trader Joe’s to marvel at the size of your pregnant belly and tell you “it goes by so fast.”
8.29.23
A feeling discovered and shared by Rian Krasner. Yügen.
This is the joy of letting people in, listening, and sharing ideas. Being humans.
I’ve always described one of my favorite feelings as:“When you realize that you are a living person, having a life, doing things, thinking thoughts, and someday you will be gone but everything else will still be here. You can almost feel a chemical shift happen in your brain at that moment — it feels awesome and deeply terrifying at the same time.” It’s probably my favorite feeling. I suspect it’s why humans skydive, and ride roller coasters. Its probably why I enjoyed LSD so much. The first few times at least. :P
10.03.23
I went to YouTube to watch some tutorials to help me execute the practical parts of my illustrations, and before I was 3 seconds into an instructional video I found myself clicking on the suggested feed to watch this Prince skit from SNL.
I am convinced that the internets are created by and for the ADHD community, as opposed to the “boomer” theory that the internets are producing ADHD.
10.06.23
Beni’s happy face
There is always a moment when I am walking Beni that he looks over his shoulder back at me and smiles. It’s his expression of gratitude.
09.06.23
Garden lessons
Remember that magic knows no size.
An entire adorable lizard can rest on your fingertip, heart beating, bones, and muscle shifting, with belly-flattening to absorb your warmth.
To you, the monarch caterpillar looks chubby adorable, and no bigger than your baby’s pinky finger. To the yellow aphid, the caterpillar is a giant beast who has yet to decide if you are a friend, or food, or both.
Yellow aphids give birth to live babies who are born pregnant and give birth to live babies who are born pregnant…
9.12.23
Parents night
While sitting at Maxwell’s desk, in his classroom for Parents Night, I snooped in his desk and found this drawing in his journal and I am in love with it. It was instantly recognizable as the JAWS ride from the Universal Studios trip we took this summer. Seeing it is like pouring dopamine honey over my brain. I get to sit in my child’s memory, inside his view of the world. That shark is fucking EPIC.
10.11.23
Maxwell’s Watermelon
This guy is so proud of himself. From pushing a tiny seed into a little clay pot to picking a fully ripened watermelon and eating it.
Dia De Muertos, Alebrijes
Every year I host a dinner for my family, and my siblings. We set up an ofrenda, and make Alebrijes that represent the kind of energy we hope to harness as we move into the last part of the year. Unfortunately I had to cancel our get together at the last minute because I was emotionally tapped out. Instead I sat peacefully and quietly with Max and sofia, and we Me and we made air-dry clay Alebrijes. We also built a mini makeshift ofrenda in honor of their guardian angel Rosie.
12.6.23 Covid+
I tested positive for Covid the day before the last class meeting of the semester, I missed seeing students on their last day of class, and I missed Type & Tyopgraphy’s Zine Fest. This is my first bout with Covid since the time I suspected I had COVID in Jan. 2020. The brain fog and fatigue are real. I am having a hard time, especially with drawing. Everything looks wonky, and the children I’m drawing all look like the images I’ve seen come out of Israel/Palestine.
9.15.23
Father & Daughter
I realized in the first year of our daughter’s life, that she and Jay had spent more time together than my dad and I had in the first five years of my life. Circumstances were different for me and my dad.
I’m so grateful to see this little girl I adore get to have this relationship with her dad. It’s incredibly healing for my inner niña, and protecting their relationship feels vital.
Packet #3
10.05.23
Creating a habitat.
Last fall I planted native milkweed, watched monarchs lay eggs, hatched caterpillars devour nearly a whole plant, and now I am catching the last few days of Monarch butterfly hatching season. After hatching in California, Monarchs migrate to Chiapas Mexico. Their arrival coincides with corn harvesting season. I wonder if the butterflies feel more Mexican or American. :P
10.15.23
Halloween decorating. It’s my favorite time of year and hardest at the same time. Four years out from discovery I try to focus on the parts of the season I like. Max loves Halloween decorating.
A haze of beauty and suffering
I spent most of the last month in a haze of chasing quiet beautiful moments to soothe my nervous system from suffering.
I don’t know how to comprehend the violence, injustice, and divisiveness of the world right now. The impulse to understand is a coping mechanism, and when things are beyond understanding, beyond sense-making, I have to stop trying to make sense and focus on taking the next breath, and the next one. Motherhood is a religion of care, selflessness, patience, understanding, conflict resolution, growing, protecting—and oh how I wish Motherhood was the religion of the world.
Packet #5
11.23.24
Thanksgiving. We’re all grown up. I’ve been reflecting a lot on our relationship, our shared history, and the varied pathways we have chosen for adult selves. I think about how much responsibility I carried as their older sibling for their care and wellness. For providing security, love and attention in a home where those qualities were scarce and complicated. I think about what they need from me now, and how we are evolving.
11.18.24
CSUN Portfolio Review. This is an exercise created by Dave Moon, which starts with asking students to design their end goals and design their education/career backward from there. This exercise provides a glimpse into how this next generation views the role of work in their lives and their role as design professionals in the world.
12.5.23
Birthday parties. We’re raising the next generation of cousins, and it looks so different than it did when we were kids. Our parents were in their 20s. We used to gather at a family members house, the kids would run wild, and the men and women would gather in the yard, while the women prepped all the food. After everyone ate the adults would get lit. We would stay up late into the night or sleep over.
Now we go to therapy, and we call out the abusers who were hiding in plain sight. We protect our kids. We’re giving them actual childhoods.
12.6.23
Santa Claus. At 7 and 9, I’m pretty sure this is the last year we get to witness the wonder and curiosity they carry for the man in the red suit. Deciding to play the game of Santa was a funny choice, would the “trick” erode their faith in God or us as parents?
12.7.23
Celebrating the first night in Hanukkah with Uncle Nick and Uncle Eli. Max and Sofia love learning and celebrating with their Uncles. We face time, and Uncle Nick reminds Max of the meaning of the holiday, and how to light the candles correctly. Celebrating this year comes with some complicated feelings. There is a real fear of my brother being caught in the crosshairs of the anti-Semitic conflation of Judaism with the actions of the entire government of Israel. He’s leaving for Israel on Christmas Day, and I find myself debating what part of the world he is safest in. My own anxiety over displaying the menorah in our front window reminds me of the position I am in as a non-Jew. I can choose to opt out, which reminds me of what the commitment to allyship is about. I feel a similar anxiety when I post support for Palestine on IG, or sign up for a learning session, or try to contact my representatives. How do I show up for my brother, and for my Palestinian friends without hurting anyone?
I’ve stayed away from posting my personal life on social media, and I’m reminded again now why that has been a good choice for us. In our family bubble, this moment is ours, we’re reminded to keep spreading light, and to be grateful when our creator gives us what we need—when we need it.
Packet #2
8.1.23
First tomatoes harvested from plants I started as seeds on my 43rd Birthday. 137 days of care and feeding to go from sewing a seed to holding a handful of tomatoes. I document this moment to remember that care is a necessary daily practice in order to be fruitful, and that harvest is seasonal. Gut check on hustle culture and “content creation.”
8.3.23
The Bear, a little too much? This made me think of the anxiety that typically drives oversharing, especially when trauma is involved. It gets hard to pump the breaks, and easy to lose track of what knowledge/information is essential.
8.11.23
This is an image of victory (for now). In December of 2019, I really didn’t think this was possible but was willing to give any hint of this being a possibility a chance. Sitting in his car, in my driveway, after a full day of sobbing and talking it all out, my brother Nico assured me that I wasn’t an “idiot” but a "genius of heart.” Those words became a life preserver for me - and always will be.
09.01.2023
Google Spanish/ English translation of the word “Curanderismo.” I was taught that Curanderismo meant “Healing” and a “Curandera” was a woman who was a healer. If she had lived in Massachusetts in the late 1600’s she would have been called a witch, and thrown in the river, hands bound behind her back.
Curanderismo is a holistic healing practice that addresses the mind, body, and spirit. Curanderas use plant medicine and rituals to heal—the healing rituals often require participation from the whole family. Sometimes the entire community was needed to heal the soul of a suffering person. Curanderismo employs communal healing.
I document this moment to remember you are the expert historian, your ancestors are sitting inside your DNA, guiding you back to the places the Guerro took from you.
9.17.23
Maxwell’s watermelon.
One day, while starting some new seeds asked max if he could plant something too. I gave him our seed library and told him to pick something out. He pushed three watermelon seeds into a clay pot and they exploded. I moved them to our raised bed and they quickly, confidently spread out their tendrils, never saying excuse me or asking permission. Within a few weeks his first watermelon grew from grape-sized to the size of a kid-sized soccer ball.
9.23.23
7 and 9.
Pirate, mermaid, Virgo, Libra, bounce house, cupcakes, pansit, bbq, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, singing, and late night, childhood.
9.28.23
Spaces in transition. Packing up the third bedroom, and prepping the garage for a conversion. We knew when we bought our house that the third bedroom would be Sofia’s when she was ready, and the garage would become our studio space. Thankfully HVAC is already installed.
7.31.23
Family dinner. “Sushi cupcakes” for my niños, barramundi, and seared/ pickled asparagus for myself and Jay. I have a renewed appreciation for food photographers. I document this moment because this meal is so nourishing, and fresh, and the time we spent together eating and cleaning up the cooking mess was an experience I would have enjoyed as a child.
