10.01.23

Telling True From False.

(text I re-discovered from research for my undergrad thesis)

Epistemology is a fancy word that refers to the different methods you use to determine whether something is true or false. Your epistemology, then, is your own personal theory or idea about the nature of acceptable evidence; what are the conditions under which you know when something is true and when something is false? You can evaluate the quality of your cultural and personal knowledge concerning your problems by becoming more conscious and aware of your “epistemology.”

Though everyone has an epistemology, at least implicitly, most people have never thought much about it, and aren’t aware that it is important. For instance, many people have opinions about what is true and what is false, but they may be only vaguely aware of how they came to know that those things are true or false. They are content to continue believing what they currently believe so long as things they believe to be true continue to feel true. They are not typically concerned about testing their beliefs to see if they make sense. They’re not often concerned that there is good evidence available to support their beliefs. The big problem with being unconscious and unaware of your epistemology is that sometimes you can end up hurting yourself or making bad decisions when you think that things are one way, and they end up being another way.

—

5.23.08 4:20 AM
(from my personal journal)

There were times when I was driving around LA, or hanging out with friends that I would think about Jay. I would catch myself wondering what he was up to. I missed his stories and his jokes. Every time we hung out, I would find myself bursting out into random laughter over something he had said or done so many days earlier. I also thought about this one little moment at La Cabana, weeks earlier, when I had caught him looking at some chulitas. There was a look in his eye that made my chest ache. I wondered what it would be like to be on the other end of that look. My rational mind quickly reminded me that school was for learning, not dating. So I enjoyed the memories and resisted picking up the phone.

I laid back on my bed in the half-lit room and saw the clock; it was twenty minutes after four—in the morning. I never really thought about four-twenty AM—that’s some hardcore stoner time. I heard my phone make the text message beep. Anytime my phone goes off in the wee hours it’s usually some drunk ass who has worked up enough liquid courage to think he has a chance, what they usually get is an eye-roll. This time, I picked up my phone to find out who was sending another sorrowful example of a drunken “game.” It read something like this: “I’ve been drinking all night in Chinatown with my cousin, and I can’t stop thinking about you. Sent by Jay D. 4:20 AM” I sat there grinning ear to ear and didn’t hesitate to respond. We sent texts back and forth as the sun rose, and I agreed to go ahead and go on a date with him because I felt like his intentions were true. I knew that he was kind-hearted and sincere. What I didn’t know was that I would fall absolutely ass over tea kettle in love.

All the things I did not know.

12.19.2019

“I’ve been unfaithful to you with three other women.” After six weeks of false reconciliation, trickle truth, and eleven years of relationship–Jay decides to come clean about the history of his infidelity entirely. The record goes back to the first six months of our dating.

I have two feelings. The first is devastation. I’ve basically just learned that my whole narrative about our great love story was historically incomplete and woefully inaccurate. The second feeling is relief. Knowing that his betrayal behavior started when I was 28 years old, completely available, and gorgeous (all 28-year-olds are gorgeous) means that my husband isn’t cheating on me because I got old, or because my body changed after pregnancy, or because I now have to divide myself into piles between marriage, motherhood, and career. This revelation is a release from the misogynistic reasoning that the dominant cultural narrative pushes onto women who experience the betrayal of infidelity. I did not do (or not do) anything to cause his infidelity. The choice was always his alone, and I never had any control or influence in the matter.

Psalm of The Cover Girls

Show me, Show me, you really love me
Actions speak louder than words
Show me, Show me, you really need me
Cause all those lies I've already heard
Show me, Show me, you really love me
Let me believe that it's true

10.02.23

Our Identity and Our Motivations

To talk about identity is to talk about the self and the concept of the self; the knowledge, beliefs memories, expectations, tendencies, and understandings each person has, that define them as unique individuals and also as members of families and other social groups. Identity defines people and deeply informs and gives meaning to every aspect of their lives. It informs what people think they deserve and provides the measure of their worth, both to themselves and frequently to others. It shapes what people think they are capable of accomplishing, and thus helps to shape what they end up choosing to do and not do.

Because your identity is at base, in large part a set of beliefs, it can be examined and altered using cognitive techniques such as cognitive restructuring as described above. Indeed, the use of cognitive restructuring techniques to challenge beliefs about the necessity of depression or anxiety in your life can lead to an alteration of your identity. As you use the cognitive technique to challenge and re-challenge your beliefs successfully, those beliefs start to change. As your beliefs change, so too does your identity.

Before you can have any hope of making changes to your identity with cognitive or other techniques, however, you must first decide that exploring your identity is a worthwhile thing to do. Some people resist identity exploration. They may (mistakenly) assume that they are already perfect; that their current perspective on things is the sole and only correct one to have and that any problems they might be experiencing are caused by other people (a mistake known as "externalization", described below). Alternatively, they may lack the necessary insight or intelligence required to realize that their experiences are filtered through the lens of their identity and perspective. Such people fundamentally don't get the idea of identity, naively assume that everyone else must see themselves and the world as they do, and never realize that it is important to pay attention to individual perspectives.

Source

Identity Statement (personal)

I used to think many things about myself (and my life) that I recently discovered are inaccurate or straight-up untrue. It’s fucked with my self-concept pretty intensely and caused a hefty amount of cognitive dissonance. I am working out what is worth resolving, and what is worth accepting as equally opposing truths. This is what I am sure of at this stage, and believe to be important;

Foremost I am a soul, living inside of a body, for a brief moment in time.

I am a woman. I was assigned the female gender at birth, and I experience the world from within a female body and a culturally constructed idea of gender/ gender roles. I am a feminist. I challenge those ideas. 23 and Me tells me that my earliest known genetic ancestor was a woman from East Africa who lived 150,000 years ago. I hope to meet them when I leave this body.

I was born in California, to a man from Mexico, and a woman from South Dakota. I am a hybrid creation, the result of two cultures, two civilizations that have overlapped and live on the same land through and with contrasting circumstances. I am the descendant of the Mexica and of European Immigrants. Soy Pochita. Estoy arrancado de raíz. I am Mexican American. Chicana. Big Nana calls us Mestiza. I experience the world through a culturally constructed ideas of race and ethnicity. I am anti-racist, I challenge those ideas.

I was baptized Catholic, and grew up in Catholic and Evangelical churches. I experience the world through culturally constructed ideas of religion. I challenge those ideas. Religion always felt like an itchy sweater, and I always suspected something was off. I currently identify as a follower of Christ, and not of Christians. I don’t believe Christ like behavior includes hate, or imbues me with the power to validate other people’s lived experiences through “tolerance” or “approval.” Worthiness is an inherent gift from our creator.

I am a mother of two children here on earth and a third who stopped growing at 13 weeks gestation. I heard her heartbeat, and saw her tiny body. She was very much a human life, and now she lives in spirit. She shows up in photos of my daughter Sofia, as a rainbow. I experience motherhood as a transformational process, future building, and an act of resistance. With each year that I move further into motherhood, I am humbled by how much there is to learn, and how bittersweet and heartbreaking the whole process is.

In my most recent assessment, my attachment style is 51% Secure, 20% Anxious, 16% Avoidant, and 12% Disorganized. When I feel safe, I am easy to be around, I have a good sense of humor, and genuinely love and care about people. When I do not feel safe, the adaptations I developed as a child to protect myself show up as “people-pleasing” or sidelining my own needs. I’m working on new habits of choosing myself. When I feel very unsafe I self-isolate, which can look like ghosting. Good times!

I am a survivor. I have experienced betrayal, and abuse, more than once, and always at the hands of men who were trusted with my care. Having survived feels powerful, and sometimes the memories of the things I have survived feel like a leash that yanks me right back into the discomfort of survival mode.

I love music and art. I grew up on MTV before reality shows, I worked in a record store as a teenager, and I worked in the music industry for 7 years before getting my BFA in Graphic Design. Art-making has always been my favorite self-isolation activity. When the world is too much and the hamster-wheel of doom spins too fast, just give me some good jams and art supplies until I come back to myself.

I am a sister to five younger brothers, I am five sisters.

I am always trying to be a better human. Grace is important to me, I’ve needed much of it for and from myself, as well as for and from others. Grace is healing. It says “Wow, that decision was pretty bad, but you are human, and I’d rather not spend the rest of my life being angry or sad, so I won’t be making a covenant with this moment.” Grace always chooses to move forward with deeper understanding and better boundaries.

10.12.23

Positionality Statment (professional)

My name is Shannon Doronio Chavez.

Foremost I am a soul, living inside of a body, for a brief moment in time.

My pronouns are She/Her/Ella.

I am a woman, and was assigned female gender at birth. I experience the world from within a female body and a culturally constructed idea of gender/ gender roles. I am a mother of two children, ages nine and seven.

I was born in Southern California, to a man from Mexico, and a woman from South Dakota. I am the descendant of the Mexica people who are indigenous to this continent and of European Immigrants. I identify as Mexican American, and Chicana interchangeably. Both sides of my family have rich cultural histories, practices and foodways. Similarly, family members on both sides have attempted to impress ideas of racism and colorism onto my understanding of the world, and my experience within it.

I have ADD and HypoThyroidism. I get really tired sometimes and have experienced Fibromyalgia when I overdo it. I also have Aphantasia and Misophonia. I think humans are all more "divergent" than "typical."

I am an advocate for mental, physical and spiritual health, which is at the core of how I show up as an instructor, an ally, and within my personal relationships.

My professional work is a hybrid creative practice that thrives at the intersection of Graphic Design, Education, and Advocacy.

I have been self-supported financially since the age of 18. I received a BFA in Communication Arts at OTIS College of Art and Design in Los Angeles in 2010—just after turning 30—that degree will be paid off when I turn 48. I have a career that I love, which includes benefits and an income that allows me to meet the basic needs for myself and my family—I am constantly amazed by that last statement and thank God often.