• I couldn't fully articulate why my packets needed a "Care & Feeding" section when I first made it.

  • I just knew that I was interested in mindfully examining how I take care of myself.

  • Because historically, I have not been the greatest care taker when it comes to me.

  • I have abused my body to fit an ideal shape and size that afforded me a sense of "safety" and "control."

  • I abused my mind, and blamed myself for the injustices I suffered within abusive systems and relationships.

  • These cycles weathered my physical body from the inside, and manifested as migraines that worsened when lying down - a trait I later learned defined fibromyalgia.

  • After a wide range of symptoms, which included pregnancy loss, I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder—for which I will forever need to take daily hormone replacements to treat.

  • When I reclaimed my health, and gave birth to my daughter, I apologized to my body and my mind. I promised to never work against myself again.

  • My Care & Feeding documentation practice is evidence of that promise. It is an accountability buddy that protects me from overworking. It helps me say "no." and "It's time to go to bed." My Care & Feeding practice is me being the responsible and loving parent that I always needed.

Living with a chronic health condition

Since leaving residency in Colorado Springs, my health has become a major concern. I tested positive for COVID-19 shortly after I arrived in LA. To protect our family, my husband packed up our kids and went to stay with his mom, leaving me home alone—and a little freaked out. My father-in-law recently passed away while he was home alone, and we haven’t stopped wondering if things might have turned out differently had someone been with him. He wasn’t a frail man; he was an extremely active, fit, and youthful 66-year-old Filipino who had spent the previous day golfing.

This is the second time in eight months that I’ve contracted COVID-19. Each time, my primary symptom has been intense brain fog, followed by terrible body aches. I struggle cognitively. I spent three to four days bundled up on the couch, binge-watching TV and snuggling with my dog Beni. I was so grateful to have Beni with me. I took cold medicine, ate soup, and slept.

About two weeks after testing negative, I had a routine panel of bloodwork drawn to monitor my thyroid levels and other factors that thyroid issues can affect. Recently, my historically excellent cholesterol has been trending too high, so I’ve had to become extremely strict with my diet. I received the results in early August, which revealed extremely elevated AST and ALT levels—enzymes that typically indicate liver damage. Additionally, my cholesterol is even higher. Thankfully, the rest of my liver and kidney functions appear normal. This leaves some other possibilities, such as myocarditis and/or severe inflammation from COVID-19. I’ve been feeling incredibly lousy—tired and freaked out.

This week, I learned that my thyroid medication is being discontinued after multiple FDA recalls due to inconsistencies in dosing during lab testing. They found that many pills contained 90% less thyroid hormone than labeled. This would explain the inflammation, elevated cholesterol, and elevated ALT and AST levels. It also explains the fatigue and aches. This has happened with my medication once before. I’ve finally decided to give up on the natural “bio-identical” treatments. My doctor switched me to a synthetic version of the medication, and I already feel 1,000% better.

It’s frustrating to have your health depend on pharmaceutical companies doing the right thing. You take your pill every day, thinking you’re doing everything right, only to learn through poor health that you’ve been misled and that your meds are basically a placebo.

This is the reality of living with a chronic health condition, and it is largely invisible. The most obvious external sign of my condition is brain fog—which to a person on the outside—who doesn’t know or can’t understand can—looks like forgetfulness, carelessness, or “stupidity.” All things I was accused of, and thought might be true, before my diagnosis.

Once I understood my diagnosis I made sure to tell people I am working closely with and ask them to give me a heads up if something starts to look different, if I become forgetful or say UM a lot, because it’s hard to recognize the brain fog when you have it.